Most parents never consider what it takes to raise a family well. More planning goes into the wedding than the decades that are about to follow. We assume things will unfold at the right time and in the right way. Then, as we travel down the road a while, we suddenly find ourselves stressed and confused over how the family life we dreamed of looks and feels like a nightmare.

How did we end up here?

Some Assembly Required

If you are one of those people who can assemble IKEA furniture without directions, congratulations! You may not need to read further.

For the rest of us who do better with instructions, or at the very least, clear guidelines, you’re in the right place. Because when it comes to raising a stable, loving, healthy family, some assembly is most definitely required. Your inner daydreams of idyllic family life won’t materialize by itself.

You have to make a plan.

You have to be intentional.

And you have to be consistent.

Like planning a wedding, a honeymoon, or a cross-country road trip, raising a strong, healthy family also needs to begin with a plan. I know! Brilliant, right?

Building or creating the kind of family you envision begins with the destination in mind. When you know where you’re going, it becomes much easier to navigate the inevitable problems, pitfalls, and potholes that are part of the territory.

So, I’m going to show you how I built a family roadmap to reach my desired destination — even with lots of roadblocks along the way.

Start with the end in mind

Here’s what I want you to do. Grab a pen and paper. Start thinking about that final destination. Next, ask yourself these questions and write out your answers with as much detail as you can for each one.

• What do I want my family to look like in 5 years? Ten years? Twenty years from now?
• How do I want each member of my family to feel?
• What do I want them to know and value? About family, themselves, God, and the world?
• What can I do now to help bring that into existence?

Your answers become your roadmap.

Why Family Planning Works

When you have the answers to these questions, you will be less reactive in those unexpected moments of craziness. You will have the big picture in mind, and having that end result in mind empowers you to remain calm when your child stains her new shirt with food coloring right after you told her to change her shirt, but she refused to, assuring you she was going to “be extra careful and it will only take a second.”

When you answered the question — how do I want my family to feel, you probably said something like, I want my family to feel loved and valued, or safe and happy. Well, when you chose to place your child’s feelings of being valued and safe, you also chose not to yell about a new stained shirt. You value the artistic side of her more than a $10 shirt from Old Navy. In the grand scheme of things, it would be far more damaging to your child if you scream about the stained shirt and the waste of ten bucks and assert your superiority over her by saying, “I told you so!”

You value your child and the relationship more than a shirt. By staying calm, she will know the error in judgment she made and likely won’t do it again in the future.

Nurture a Healthy Family with this Simple Practice

What I’m about to share is a very simple practice. Perhaps that’s why people don’t do it. They don’t believe something so simple could have such a powerful positive impact.

• Relationships are more valuable than things.
• People are more precious than accomplishments.
• Family bonds are more important than the need to be right.

Build Your Family a Road Map

You’re going to need a roadmap, a plan, to get from where you are now to where you want to be as a family. Take the time to reflect on those questions. Your answers are the beginning of a whole new way of relating to your family. I’ve learned that my reacting in the heat of a moment, emotions flaring, never ends well. It doesn’t bring about the result I was after.

Once I took the time to answer these questions, my perspective and priorities shifted. It allowed me to change my behavior and teach my children to do the same, mostly by example.

If you’re like me, you’ll likely feel convicted about certain things you do, then repent, and try again. That’s perfect. That’s the way it should be, because this process is also redemptive.

How?, you ask. By breaking dysfunctional patterns and generational cycles.

Humility before your kids is a good thing to model. They learn from your living example more than you know. So live out your real messy life openly with them so they can learn from you.

I promise you that if you do, you will cherish the moment when your child realizes they reacted inappropriately towards you and comes to you to say they were sorry.

It’s better than gold. Days like that, you happy-cry as you write four detailed pages in your journal of how it all went down, just so you can hang onto the precious moment that is proof you are a good mom.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Don’t underestimate the power of this simple practice to make a huge impact on your family culture. Change your mindset and consider the four questions above. It’s how you create the loving family you dream of having.

The bonus is that it’s also how you raise world changers you can be proud of.