Strengthen Your Family and Marriage Today with These Two Things

Strong and healthy families are not a matter of chance; they result from deliberate efforts of investing time, intention, and both physical and emotional energy. However, even with such dedication, the outcome of a strong family is not certain because there are so many factors that are out of one’s control.

Every one of us enters into our relationships in a state of brokenness. Unconsciously, we operate out of a set of beliefs that, when left unchecked, have the potential to harm those relationships.

Here’s another sobering truth.

If you do not allow yourself to become aware of the broken places within you, you are going to create a life full of more wounding instead of creating a life-giving marriage and a life-giving family. Not even if you’re a Christian.

Don’t believe me?

Take a look at these statistics.

According to a report by Focus On The Family, even among church-going Christians, 38% of Christian marriages end in divorce.

Another study states that “almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation. Every 13 seconds, there is one divorce in America. That equates to 277 divorces per hour, 6,646 divorces per day, 46,523 divorces per week, and 2,419,196 divorces per year. That means there are 9 divorces in the time it takes for a couple to recite their wedding vows.”

For the sake of transparency, I have been divorced myself and I also come from a divorced family. One does not need to look far to know these stats are real.

If you have a vision to raise a strong family, you should also have a vision for a strong marriage. Those who are single parents need to have a vision of what type of support they will need for the years ahead.

This may look like:

• Having a wise ‘go-to’ person to ask for advice when things get heated.
• Working with a life coach for a season.
• Ask a trusted friend or extended family member to help out with things such as rides to school, medical appointments, or care for your kids while you’re working an evening shift.

It doesn’t matter if you’re married, divorced or single, parenting is a demanding, full-time job. You need to think about building a support system before a crisis comes. They will come, so be prepared as much as possible. Your role as a mother is more important than you know. The power and influence you have within the home extends far beyond it.

Don’t ignore your emotional wounds

I believe we can have strong, healthy family relationships when we are willing to address our past hurts (emotional wounds) and the things that trigger us. We can’t ignore them with the hope that they will go away on their own.

When we fail to take responsibility for our emotional and mental health, we put the health of our relationships and our marriage at risk.

Look, we all have wounds from our past life experiences. Things we experienced that caused us deep pain. A messed-up childhood, past divorce, miscarriage, betrayal, domestic abuse, severe health problems, traumatic injury, or event are a few things that cause emotional wounds.

But do you understand that if we ignore those broken places, they become a vacuum needing to be filled? Those deeply hurt places within us long for healing, help, love, acceptance, purpose, and meaning.

This fact impacts all our relationships.

We believe, subconsciously and consciously, that people can, will, and should fill those vacuums within us.

The problem is, they are broken too, and they have their own vacuum longing to be filled. Can you guess who they look to for filling those empty places? That’s right — you!

At first, a romantic relationship often appears ideal, a dream come true. But you and I both know it’s only a matter of time before things change.

Early in the relationship, you joked or teased about the little things that irked you, knowing they were not a big deal. You were content in the relationship. You felt loved, safe, and hopeful about your future together.

When did marriage get so hard?

When I got married, we dreamed together of starting a family, and soon after, I became pregnant with our first child. That moment was proof that my fairy tale dream came true. That sweet little bundle of joy in my arms was like the cherry on top of my hot-fudge sundae. Our life felt absolutely perfect!

Before long, we decided to add to our joy, and I became pregnant again, and then we had our third.

Your story may be different.

Maybe after you got married, you bought a home, started a new career, or moved to another state where your spouse found work. Maybe you went back to complete your college degree and got pregnant sooner than you expected, and you’re working a full-time job too.

My point is this — sooner or later, you will find yourself in a place of big change. A place where you're tired, stressed, and perhaps have no friends nearby to lean on, no family to support you, or to help fill that emotional vacuum.

No matter what your unique story is, this fact remains — eventually, the shiny newness of marriage and family begins to tarnish. It becomes harder to stay happy and connected because you don’t have the time, resources, or energy to invest in the relationship. So,

• If you have a fear of rejection that developed in childhood that’s never been addressed, you’re going to get triggered and start to believe your husband is rejecting you every time he doesn’t immediately text back
• If you have a fear of abandonment that’s never been addressed, you’ll be triggered every time he comes home late or goes out with friends on the weekend.
• If you’ve ever suffered from neglect and never addressed that issue, guess what happens when you’re feeling overwhelmed? You resent your husband for never noticing when you need his help or acknowledging all you do for the family.

Instead of realizing your old wounds are being triggered, you will think your spouse is the cause and source of all your problems.

Tension and bitterness grow, and you wonder how the heck you ended up like this.

Instead of accepting your spouse as he is, you magnify every flaw.

• The food he left out on the counter
• The light he didn’t turn off
• The dirty laundry on the floor
• The muddy shoes worn inside just after you mopped

All these become an excuse to spew dissatisfaction with their performance and judge the intention of their heart. Why? Because they no longer fill your emotional vacuum. Something they were never created to do. It’s impossible.

This is when you’ve lost sight of the love and grace your relationship requires to thrive, grow, and bloom.

If you are experiencing this, be aware of what’s really going on. The vacuum created by old hurts is crying out to be healed. But instead,

• You blame
• Suspect
• Accuse
• Assume
• Withhold affection, respect, and love
• You withdraw, attack, or both
• You belittle, judge, and condemn

What you need to do is deal with those old wounds and triggers, because, sister, your husband is not your enemy.

Your husband is not your enemy

I’m not here to be your marriage counselor. That’s out of my realm of expertise. However, seeking professional help when needed is a given. Understand? Working with a marriage counselor at different points in your relationship is to be expected. It’s healthy — so plan for it.

What I am here to tell you is two specific things. Two things that, if you start to look at and become more aware of, you will be better equipped to control your behavior, emotions, and responses.

You’ll also be better equipped to heal old wounds appropriately.

I believe that when you can do these two things I’m about to tell you, you will experience more joy in your relationships. All of them. The one with your spouse, or your ex, the one with yourself, with your children, and the one with God.

Are you ready?

2 Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve Your Marriage

1: Stop thinking your spouse is the enemy

Your mate is not your enemy. Your mate is your mate. Your mate is a person. Your mate is a person who has flaws. Your mate has been hurt and traumatized and haunted by his past. Your mate is imperfect. Your mate doesn’t have all the answers. Your mate is incapable of meeting all your needs. Your mate is doing the best he can. Your mate struggles with feelings of low self-esteem, doubts, and fears. Your mate is not a mind reader.

When you target your spouse as the enemy, there is no way you will stand united and in fairy-tale bliss. You’ll treat him with hostility and no matter how hard you try, that hostility will begin to manifest in all areas of your life. It will eat away at you. Your peace and joy will disappear.

2: Change your expectations, he’s not God

Your husband was not created nor designed to meet all of your material, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. Your husband isn’t responsible for your happiness. Your husband cannot complete you. Your husband is not all-powerful or all-knowing. You will never be totally fulfilled by your husband. That’s God’s job.

Sorry if that stung a little.

I think deep down you already know all this. I think you know all this but somewhere along the line, this information got buried inside you. You know he’s not the enemy, but you began to treat him like one when your needs were going unmet for a prolonged period of time. Impatience turned to intolerance which turned into resentment and finally bitterness. You stopped trying to communicate because it all seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Believe me when I say I get it! This was me. Is me still sometimes. It’s a hard road to walk when you’re feeling beat up and stepped on. It’s nearly impossible to not react.

But the fact remains, you are responsible for your own happiness. You need to take steps and action to take care of yourself within your marriage. Hopefully, your spouse will too. Working together with a counselor is even better, but it’s not always possible.

To heal your past is to invest in your future

Sometimes you can talk things out with your spouse, but if you know you’re past that point, consider another source of help. Wise friends, good books, and podcasts are all helpful too, but they will only get you so far. Working with an experienced counselor or therapist is the best way to get the help and support you need. Even if you have to go alone, do it. Your healing will have a positive effect on your whole family.

Restoring and maintaining a healthy relationship is possible. Yes, it takes time, energy, resources, and commitment on both sides, but it can happen if you work on it.

The bottom line, you are building a strong family. And when you work on healing old wounds and strengthening your marriage, you will see good fruit in your family too.

You will reap a harvest of family blessings you’ve always longed for. Because when you’re healthy, your family will be too.

© 2024 Kelly Gawitt: All rights reserved.

This article first appeared on Deep. Sweet. Valuable. a Medium.com publication.