There’s a difference between exhaustion and depletion.

Exhaustion says, I need sleep. And depletion says, I have been running on survival mode for years.

Exhaustion is physical. Depletion is emotional, mental, and often rooted in unprocessed pain. Did you know that? You can sleep for eight hours and still wake up resentful. You could take that weekend away and still feel braced for impact when you come back into your home.

But here’s something we’re never quite aware of. You cannot rest your way out of what you’re still bracing against, right? I’m sure you’ve had moments like this where you’ve recognized this and that your girlfriends have too. Conversations might start like this: Why?! Why am I still so exhausted?

I just treated myself to a massage and a mani-pedi…
I enjoyed the entire day with friends…
I finally took that long hike I’ve been dreaming of…
…What is wrong with me?!

Well, it’s because your nervous system is probably stuck in fight or flight mode. If your body learned a long time ago that it wasn’t safe to fully relax or that your needs didn’t matter, your nervous system goes into hyperdrive and stays there. And there’s actually some brain function that gets changed as well. But I’m not going to go into that today. For now, I want to simply raise your awareness, because there is a lot more going on than you realize.

It’s the reason why practicing self-care can leave you feeling like all you did was put a nice soft blanket over a gaping wound that needs major surgery.

He Doesn’t See

Let me share a little something, a little personal story. There was a time in my marriage and early motherhood years where I was constantly irritated and angry with my husband. He was always doing things that made me feel unseen and unsupported. And he never acknowledged all the work that I was doing. The work we do as mothers is largely invisible, right?

He doesn’t see the emotional load that I’m carrying, the mental load that I’m carrying from all the decisions I have to make. And I tried all the things, the bubble baths, the journaling, coffee dates, time away. And while those things were good for a little while, they didn’t stop the anger that would flare up as soon as I walked back in the door. I would see a dirty dish left on the counter right next to the sink and dishwasher. ‘Why couldn’t he wash his plate or put it in the dishwasher?! How hard is that?’

Maybe he would forget to do something for me when I asked him if he could help me put air in the tires of the car or stop at the store on his way home from work. Or maybe it was the tone of his voice when answering a question.

Motherhood Pushes Things to The Surface

What I didn’t realize at that time was that my reactions weren’t just about what he was doing in the present moment. They were connected to all the old stories I carry. Times in my life where I felt dismissed, unheard, and alone. And I don’t know why, ladies, but motherhood amplifies all of our old wounds. My spouse wasn’t the original source of my pain; he was a contributor.

And he was standing in a place where he was able to trigger me — all the time.

My resentment grew with every infraction. I didn’t understand that what he did was being heaped upon all the past baggage that I carried. I just knew he was triggering me, and my resentment didn’t explode overnight. I usually stuffed things for a long time before I exploded like a volcano. My resentment accumulated in the small moments where I had to swallow what I felt, where I had to push through things and not say what I wanted to say, and times where I tried to convince myself, ‘it’s no big deal, Kelly.’

Even though my body was screaming, yes, it does. Yes, this is a big deal.

I had frequent migraines. My shoulders and neck would tense up in pain. Sometimes I’d feel a tightness in my chest. Other times, when I really felt like my husband did something purposefully to cut me down, I felt sick in my stomach.

Can I tell you something personal? My resentment grows when I have a need that is chronically being unmet. Can you relate? Resentment grows when I don’t feel emotionally safe enough to say, ‘Hey, this is really hard for me right now, and what you’re doing is really hurtful.’

You Need More

So this is why I’m writing to you. I want to offer you a couple of things to hold on to as you work your way through situations like this.

First, I just want you to know that you can’t rest your way out of what you’re still bracing against.

Yes, self-care is beneficial, but it’s often not enough.

Second, the anger that tags onto your exhaustion and frustration is a protective emotion. It shows up when something feels threatened, or unheard. The solution isn’t just more breaks, more self-care. The solution has to become inner work.

When you’re feeling triggered, your emotions are gently trying to get your attention, so I want you to pause and ask yourself a couple of questions when you’re feeling triggered.

I want you to ask yourself three questions.

What am I really reacting to?
When have I felt this way before?
What story is my body telling me in this moment?

And that first question, what am I reacting to? Think about this one slowly. First, your answer is going to be whatever just happened, right? Whatever your husband just said or did, whatever your child just did, whatever, you know, something happened- a circumstance that happened in the moment. But I also want you to think about that second question.

When have I felt this before?

If you sit with it long enough, an answer will come to the surface. And if this is really hard for you, I encourage you to just say a quick prayer. “Father God, help me understand when have I felt this before? What am I really reacting to?”

And then just wait for a moment. Thoughts and ideas will come up to the surface. Jot them down on a piece of paper or a page in your journal.

And I also want you to pay attention to what your body is telling you in the moment. Pay attention.

What are you feeling?

Is your chest tight? Are you gritting your teeth? Are your shoulders and neck and back starting to tense up? What are you feeling in the moment?

A simple 3-question tool like this is incredibly powerful because it helps you identify your triggers and catch the automatic thoughts. It allows space for you to challenge the narratives that are going on in your head that you are probably not conscious of yet.

When I began this process, I started to see my old patterns instantly.

Instead of just reacting, I was taking charge of myself. I was operating in self-control. I was empowered to choose, not react. That’s a big deal, isn’t it?

Oh, okay, I get this now. I know where this is coming from. Okay, yep, let me handle that differently.

I learned how to slow down in the moment between trigger and reaction, and when I was able to do that, things started to shift.

Even self-care practices started to be more effective. It wasn’t because my life suddenly got easier. It was because I wasn’t carrying the unresolved pain into every interaction. All this stuff that I had been carrying, I was never working out in the right way, and it polluted every interaction.

Let me paint a picture of what happens on the inside of myself and how it comes out in my interactions with others.

When someone in my past had hurt me deeply, I wasn’t able to address it. I was a child and unable to address it. I lacked physical, mental, and emotional maturity to deal with things. And because of that, I learned to bury it and ignore my pain. Over time, it eroded my self-worth and a host of other things.

Now, as an adult, I have some physical, mental, and emotional maturity to deal with things. So when my husband and I would disagree or argue, all that stuffed anger and pain from childhood bubbled to the surface and directed my displaced, stuffed emotional pain at my husband when he didn’t really deserve it.

Yeah, sometimes he did some really dumb things, but a lot of times I was putting all my anger and hurt on him because I can deal with it now that I’m a grownup, or so I thought.

What I really needed to do was to heal from the past. I needed to find a way to speak to Little Kelly and say,

Hey girl, I see you. I know your pain. It’s time to release it and let healing take place.

This unresolved pain from when this person did this to you, yeah, that was awful. And I’m so sorry that happened to you. But you know what, Kelly? I’m here now. Big Kelly is here. And I got this. We can forgive that person and be free of this burden.

My friend, we can truly do this. It’s possible if we choose it. If we choose to surrender it to the Lord and ask him to wash us and clean us up of the junk that happened to us in our past that wounded us or defiled us. We can. I did. Things are different for me now. Not perfect, but so much better.

We can be cleaned up and have different kinds of interactions with the people around us today.

If this resonates, here are a few steps I want you to take.

What You Can Do

First, notice your triggers without judging them. Just observe.

This might look like:
“Huh, I got really jacked up when he said that.”
This awareness and willingness to see when your reaction is disproportionate to what just happened is very powerful.

Start doing this every time you feel triggered. Just observe it without judgment and start to think a little bit deeper about it. A question you might ask yourself is, where does this come from?

Second thing I’d like you to do is consider reaching out to a therapist. Maybe you’ve thought about doing this before, but I’ve been putting it off. I know I put it off for way too long, like a decade. But I kept making excuses. So what I’d like you to do is stop making excuses if you know you should be doing this. There is a way. I made excuses. I didn’t have time. I didn’t have money. I didn’t have insurance coverage, yada, yada, yada. But if you really want to do this, you will find a way. God will open a door for you.

I encourage you to find someone who is trained in CBT or trauma-informed care. You don’t have to have big trauma to deserve support. I know a lot of us feel that way. Well, I wasn’t, you know, I didn’t go through this, or I didn’t have that experience. Those are things you would need to see a therapist for. Mine was just blah, blah, blah. You don’t need big trauma to deserve support. There’s no comparing, you know, what’s, what’s worthy of needing help. If you’re being triggered, you need support. So get the help that you need.

Third, and this one takes courage, consider having an honest conversation with your spouse or partner.

Not in the heat of an argument, but after you’ve had some time to calm down and think it through, you might just want to say, Hey, hon, remember what happened yesterday? The interaction we had, and I, I blew up like, I’m sorry.

I wish I didn’t do that, but you know what? I’m starting to realize there’s some deeper stuff going on inside me. That’s getting triggered. When these kinds of things happen between us. And I’m thinking about getting some help for this because I want to get better. I want to move past this. Is that something where you can maybe get behind me on, support me while I try to figure this out?

And again, you don’t have to have all the answers or the right words. Just naming where you are and where you would like to shift to and try to have an honest conversation can really shift the dynamic between the two of you. Listen, if you go to your partner and say, hey, you know what happened yesterday? I’m sorry about all that happened. I’m trying to get better, and I could use some support. Can you help me? That can go a really long way for a guy. Trust me.

I know it’s scary. Being vulnerable always is. But we have to start pushing back on that fear and choosing to be courageous anyway. Because it can open up doors that resentment wants to keep closed, and if you allow that to happen, your relationships will only continue to suffer and get worse.

So before we end, I want to leave you with a reflective question or two here. Um, so, you know, have a journal or a piece of paper to jot this down on. I want you to ask a couple of questions about what your anger might be protecting. Okay. So with a journal and a pen in hand, I want you to ask yourself, when I feel most resentful towards my spouse or my romantic partner, what am I believing in that moment?

And the next question is, when have I felt that before?

You’re not failing at being a mom or a wife. You’re just a human being with a lot of baggage, and you’re under a lot of stress. You’re on 24 hours a day, seven days a week, taking care of everybody but yourself. It’s time that shifts.

When you’re beginning this inner work, be aware that your nervous system should start to feel safer and your triggers will feel manageable and understood instead of shameful or too big to handle. As you incorporate these questions into your life, the walks you take, the bubble baths you have, the coffee dates with your girlfriends will actually start to feel more restorative.

And you deserve that kind of peace.

If you have questions regarding what you read here, leave a comment or send me an email at [email protected].